I am an official Office Monkey! My first day was not so bad other than the commute. Train, bus, hot weather, waiting for bus, fuck you CTA. I will have to find a more efficient way or learn which alternate bus routes I can take. There are two girls in training with me. One lives blocks away from work and pays $1300 for a studio. I didn’t know people did that in Chicago! Why? The other girl lives in the suburbs and is slightly terrified of the bus and train system.

The whole floor has the same layout and I got lost on the way to my cube twice. I think I will put a flag on it. Maybe one that says “S.O.S.”

The dress code ended up being nothing to worry about, I can get away with wearing sandals and sundresses as long as I cover up my tattoo. I personally think a big band-aid draws a lot more attention than a tattoo but whatever, office monkey rules.

The whole cube system makes for a lonely feeling office environment. I’m surrounded by people but I can’t talk to anyone. The office communicates through IM so if I need help, I have that safety net. At the crisis center we all sat together at a table which made it hard to concentrate but my boss had a talent for being able to recognize when I someone needed help on a call before they even asked. Post it notes and wild hand gestures saved me in many cases. Everything at BigCo is set up so you never have to leave your desk. It’s very convenient but I might go crazy.

For the first time in about a year, I have to think about what I’m going to wear to work. I tortured my roommate with an office fashion show before deciding to wear the first thing I tried on. Like most of life’s problems, I blame it on 12 years of Catholic school. I wore a uniform, I never had to get up and think about what to wear. My last internship site had horrible heating/cooling issues so I was either bundled up in a sweater or wearing a sundress. And for this job, my lovely scrubs that I manage to rip at least once a month will just not do.

So I finally picked out an outfit that only whispers “office monkey!” I’ll be wearing a  lovely Ann Taylor skirt that I probably could not have afforded new,  a white button down shirt and a chopped undershirt so my new coworkers cannot see my lovely tattoos through my shirt. Showing off the tats is definitely a 2nd day thing.
Off to bed!

I want this Threadless shirt but I don’t know how soon my next paycheck will come in. New job better be quick about getting me money!

Oh, my last night as a non-office drone! I am angsty. I bought a cute office worthy skirt, rejected the beach because it was too damn hot and went to a gay bar and danced.

All I can think about is seeing my boy, I miss him so much and this is only the halfway point of his gone-ness. I’m proud of myself for keeping up with the distractions so I don’t mope all the time. I don’t want to be one of those codependent bitches. But when you want something you can’t have it tends to be all consuming.

This morning I went to what I hope is my last Stroger appointment ever. The nurse was actually nice to me, which so rarely happens. I was a bad patient and skipped a couple visits so she yelled at me a few months ago about “not taking my health seriously.” All of my bloodwork was normal so my meds aren’t making my body unhappy and I’m not dying a horrible death quite yet. And my cholesterol is normal, so I’m not as much of a fatty as I thought.

Then I did a dry run of the train/bus route to my new job. It’s so simple I’m pretty sure I can’t fuck it up. The bus that goes to my workplace also goes to Navy Pier. So I waved at my future workplace and took the bus to the beach. The beach smells funny.

Oh and I bought books yesterday at a used book sale. I now own an old edition of Our Bodies, Ourselves and a DSM-III. I want to collect all of the DSM versions. The DSM II, 1968, lists homosexuality as a mental disorder. The DSM-III,1980, lists ego-dystonic homosexuality as a disorder. Ego dystonic homosexuality is pretty much “I am sad that I’m queer. I try to be straight and it doesn’t work.” It’s a common part of the coming out process. The only people that still treat it like a disorder are the crazy religious folk who claim homosexuality can be reversed.

Don’t turn off your alarm before you are actually awake.

The CTA runs on the ground when you get far enough north. It’s like a Metra station except older and more flammable.

Chicago public libraries know absolutely nothing about other public libraries in Chicago. Also the 1st floor guard has no idea what goes on on the 2nd and 3rd floors. I don’t think he is allowed to touch the escalators.

At a used book sale, “Womens” section means a bunch of awful self help books including “Men are Jerks” and “How to be a proper domestic violence victim.”  How to (head) means Chicken Soup for the Soul books. A lot of them. How to (hands) means how to needlepoint.

Do not buy classic lit if your roommate was an English major. The book you want is in the living room and you have never looked for it, illiterate bitch.

Do not drink in bars that have well lit areas. This just allows you to see the bug floating in your drink.

Bugs floating in your drink won’t kill you. Drink your overpriced alcohol.

The new neighbors do not yet feel comfortable looking out the window across the 3 feet that seperates your apartments. Don’t heckle them quite yet.

Being an office drone is very very sad and you will probably need Ritalin.

I almost forgot to write about my most professional moment EVER.

I was on break at the vet clinic and I went to the grocery store with a coworker. We were wandering the store in search of something fat to soothe the pain of our jobs. A sampler was handing out shots of some horrible blue hurricane mix. One of those alcohol and tasty sugar water in a bottle deals. He asked if we wanted some and after 20 seconds of hard consideration we were drinking down some bad alcohol in our work scrubs. Then we waved at some clients and took our alcohol smellin asses back to work.

For my last installation in the fucked up pictures from work series, I bring you hematoma head. A hematoma is a pocket of blood and this dog had one in his ear. It requires a bunch of sutures to flatten out and seal the pocket so it doesn’t refill with blood. Ears are hard to bandage.

Click for larger image

Hematoma head will have his bandage removed in 2 days and then he can return to the dog park without be mocked.

Just be happy I didn’t post maggot butt.

I almost forgot to post about nail tail! So a dog is dropped off and it says something like “remove nail in tail”. I look at the dog, expecting to find a metal nail stuck in this dog’s tail. No metal nail found!

The dog has a tumor on it’s tail. Except this tumor didn’t want to be a plain skin type tumor, it wanted to be a claw! So this dog has a claw growing out of it’s tail. I should’ve got a picture before the doctor trimmed it, but there’s still a little nail showing. Nail tail doesn’t bother anyone, so the owners decided to leave it alone and just get it trimmed once in a while.

I will miss you, nail tail.

Why do I have so many black boots?