Thursday (I think) at work. The day was going slowly, I wasn’t helping a single person. Sometimes I have days or hours where I talk to lots of people but feel overwhelmingly useless. This whole “helping people” or “clinical skills” thing eludes me sometimes.
So I’m feeling bad about myself, I’m not doing what I intended to do in life. I’m not helping anyone. I’m lacking purpose. I’m thinking about these things on lunch break. I have time to kill so I walk to the store. I don’t really want anything from the store, just want to get out of the office for a few minutes.
It’s cold outside and I start thinking about how stupid it is to be walking to the store in the cold for nothing in particular. Outside the store is the random StreetWise guy selling his papers. Living in the city outweighs my urges to help and I’ve grown used to ignoring homeless people. I rarely give money or listen to their stories on the corner. (I do however approve of the StreetWise program.)
I walk past StreetWise vendor, go into the warm store and look for something I don’t need. I think about my ability to go buy stuff I don’t need. I don’t have a lot of extra money due to student loans but I have an extra dollar to buy candy. And I am going to buy candy. The candy makes me feel bad because I’ve completely trashed my attempts to lose weight this past month. I’ve gone back to eating lots of sugar and haven’t been to the gym.
At the cash register I decide I am going to give StreetWise guy some money. I walk outside and try to hand him a dollar. He’s mostly blind and doesn’t see me. I step over a bit and he sees me and takes the money. I start to walk away. He tells me to take the paper. I take the paper, thank him and walk away.
I walk across the street and wait for some of my guilt to be relieved. It’s not. I still feel just as bad. Now, actually I feel worse. I was expecting giving a dollar to some StreetWise vendor to make me feel better? I’m suddenly a helpful person because I have candy in my pocket and that guy is still homeless but has a dollar more?
What made me think that little interaction would brighten my day? The homeless man’s cataract covered eyes were certainly no rays of sunshine and the office building I am about to enter lacks that warm fuzzy feeling.
This story has no moral, I had no epiphany and it’s possibly too personal for this blog. It does in it’s own little way, reflect how I have been feeling lately. Did you know Holden Caulfield’s middle name is Morrisey? Ya, I’m a bit of a phony.