So I know I bitched about not having health insurance and wanting a real doctor. Now I have one that is really interested in my broken-ness and all I want is basic maintenance. Fill my prescription, send me to a cardiologist, leave me alone.
At the end of my first visit, she actually told me I am scary. I have been told that before in different context but never by a doctor. What she meant is all my defects combined scare her because she has not yet read my chart and was relying on my description of what is wrong with my heart. If you have ever heard me describe my condition to a new person, it’s kind of funny and involves the words “robot” and “fuck this hurts” a lot. I couldn’t tell that version to the doctor. I had to actually dig into my memory for techinical terms and things I have been diagnosed with or have been ruled out. Names of tests, names of medications, names of doctors.
It’s not just that I have a poor memory, it’s also that I just don’t care anymore. Do I feel OK? Can I keep taking these medications? Ok, I’m good. I’m done with testing and finding the root of my condition. Ideopathic is just fine for me. Unfortunately new doctor is all about finding out what is wrong and why. She sends me for blood tests, repeating tests from Cook County and wants me to come back next week. I work, bitch! I can’t just “stop by for a quick visit” next week. I have to give my work warning when I leave early.
I do the blood test and quick EKG before I left the hospital. The other stuff will have to wait. What I really wanted to do was the x-ray for my knees since they have been hurting like hell. (Tell me to get off my knees like everyone else has. Haha, you’re not funny.) Doctor says she will call only if the results are really bad. And if they are she will call within a day. Oh ya, you guess it. I got a call the next day while I was at work. I was trying to finish my day, talk to people and I listen to her voicemail and growl at whoever I was talking online and leave. The results actually weren’t that bad. Some blood levels are a little off, have to adjust what I eat and take some supplements or something. Don’t scare me like that!
Maybe I should have explained my horrible history with doctors. Too many med changes, too many hospital stays. Arguments with doctors, leaving AMA. I didn’t want to scare the woman. I’m sure she will read my chart from previous cardiologists and find this all out on her own. Did you know doctors do write if you are nice or not? I was reading an old letter written about me from one doctor to another and they were writing about my mood and demeanor during the visit. I was only 10 at the time so I was nice. I wonder what the notes say during the visit where I screamed “fuck this!” and tried to leave.
You really should just get off your knees.. you would be a much happier person.