It takes a strong ego to clothes shop with a big ass.

I tried to find a New Years Eve dress tonight. Something a little dressy but not sparkly like I did last year.

Why dress shopping sucks this year:

Trapeze dresses
The model doesn’t even look good in this dress. I tried on one, thought I looked like I belong in a 70’s sci-fi movie, made some raygun noises in the mirror and changed.

Jewel dresses
I’m excited about wearing real jewelry with my dress, I don’t need you to bedazzle it for me. A lot of the extra large “jewels” are placed around necklines which are not good for making the dress cover boobies. Unlike girl in picture, I like to have some parts clothed.
That covers most of the dresses so now all that’s left is

ugly prints and weird ruffled dresses

I would rather not look like I belong on a shelf in a 7 year old’s room.

“My Christmas was great! How was yours? That’s good!”

Repeat X Infinity

That’s been my week at work so far but Christmas really wasn’t bad. I saw the relatives I like and just happened to miss the relatives I don’t like. I got a chance to see my rapidly changing teenage nephew. He has a Myspace profile now so he must be all growed up! I played Rock Band with my cousins and nephew and it was confirmed that I’m terribly uncoordinated. Too uncoordinated to play fake video game drums.

My big brother found Jesus this year so he told me all about Jesus showing him the way and Satan trying to lead him astray and I gave him logical explanations for all his Jesus/Satan arguments. But like a good Christian, he didn’t listen to what I was saying and just kept jabbering about god.

I saw the movie Juno a couple weeks ago but I don’t think I wrote about it. It’s great, go see it. Don’t tell me you don’t like indie movies. Go see it, snob. It’s like Knocked Up but good. It fully addresses the option of abortion and doesn’t pull a shmashmortion like Knocked Up.
I think I just don’t like Judd Apatow. Knocked Up, 40 Year Old Virgin, Superbad-didn’t really like any of them. And it’s not because I don’t like stupid comedies. I still watch Billy Madison way more than I should.
I’m looking forward to There Will Be Blood mostly because I’ve never seen critics circle jerk around a movie like this. Magnolia made me want to die a little but I liked Boogie Nights and Punch Drunk Love.

I’m going to be applying for a small research grant soon as I figure out what to do for my project. My agency is pretty awesome in that it treats many populations in multiple settings but it doesn’t help me narrow down what I want to study. I lean toward substance abuse treatment because it’s pretty straightforward but I personally have an interest in HIV prevention. The one population my workplace does not target is GLBT so maybe I should get some queer research going!

I’ve been thinking lately about exploring my own semi-professional interests. I’ve always wanted to write a book having to do with sex/gender/feminism but have trouble coming up with a topic that I feel is new or at least not beaten to death. I’ve been doing some research on tubal ligation because a medical professional claimed it was “almost obsolete” due to new IUDs and I wanted to see if her claims are valid (not really).

The two things that IUDs and tubal ligation have in common is that they’re a pain in the ass for young, single, childless women to get. Some doctors say you have to have a child or an IUD is impossible to insert. Studies claim women who get their tubes tied in their 20’s are more likely to change their mind but Essure, a new permanent method of female sterilization, is growing in popularity. (Same concept as tubal ligation but non-reversible.) And from my own experience, doctors are reluctant to sterilize single, childless women. So I think I have my topic.
Another thing that is motivating me to explore this topic is the number of religious, natural family planning and marital books that come up when I search “birth control” on Amazon.

A fellow goony goony goon pointed out that the nerds at SomethingAwful are doing something nice. Kind of.

This thread asks goons to donate to Heifer International. The Heifer Project is an awesome charity that donates animals to families to so they can work toward self-reliance and they can pass on their animal’s offspring or product. (Well, by-product like milk. I don’t think you’re supposed to eat your animal.)
So far the goons have donated over 1 million bees! It’s the best and worst of ideas. It’s a swarm of love.

I like the comments in the thread about the guy that has to go collect bees to deliver to people. Someone suggested he will probably just dress up dogs in bee costumes. I know I would. Bees are fast!

I had my first performance evaluation at work and they looove me. I rated myself pretty low because at my previous job my supervisor always rated people low so they had “room to grow.” I guess the new boss doesn’t feel the same way because she had no problem giving me the highest or 2nd highest score in a lot of areas. Not a single “do better” type rating. Yay!

We also talked about different grants I could apply to and she recommended a certain type of grant from NIMH that’s for “new explorers” or some Boy Scout sounding title. But it would be my grant, I wouldn’t even need a co-PI.

I saw my PCP last week and she gave me a name of a gynecologist that she thinks would tie my tubes. My PCP is also childless by choice so she understands where I’m coming from. She did not ask if I was married or engaged. She did ask if I want to adopt and I told her no, just don’t want kids. I should have explained how hot the DINK lifestyle is to me or told her how jealous I am of upwardly mobile gay couples. No one asks rich old gay men “Oh aren’t you sad you’ve never had a baby?” They’re too busy admiring their beautiful house/partner/pool boy.

So I have an appointment with a possibly awesome gynecologist late next month. In the meantime, I got some Yaz. I will try to overlook the stupid name or the huge amount of marketing that I miss not watching TV or reading women’s mags. Yaz is a low dose pill and supposedly helps with PMDD. I wouldn’t say I have PMDD but I do get awfully emo around my period. When I went to get the pill, the nurse practitioner was trying to steer me toward getting an IUD instead of sterilization. IUD’s sound awesome if you want to do things like finish college/grad school without getting knocked up. But since I don’t want babies ever, why not just get sterilized instead of having to replace an IUD every 3-10 years? And I’m trying to minimize the amount of foreign objects inside of me. Already got 1. Not counting my piercing since I am getting rid of it soon. (Because it looks bad and is a pain in my ass, not because of this argument.)

More holiday shopping now. Whee!

So big project is done at work. It ended up going really well, we got awards, everybody hugged. Ya, I’m serious about that last part. I got a hug from the CEO! And I got a special shout out for being nice. Nice! Haha!

Now my boss is taking time off for the holidays so I won’t have much to do. I played with the bling today. I would loves me some alexandrite and diamonds but I always opt for something more practical.  Alexandrite is just so pretty! It changes colors in different light.

I did more Xmas shopping on Amazon today and updated my wishlist because my mom asked me what I wanted for Xmas and I just kind of stared even though I was thinking about what I wanted from the parents earlier in the week.

I found my big brother’s MySpace profile and he lies in it and say he is 10 years younger than he is! Ha!

OkCupid has a new feature that allows you to propose edits to another user’s profile. The edits don’t actually show up until/if the other user approves them.

I so want to go back to profiles of guys that I dated or guys that incessantly messaged me and propose edits.

“Message me if you like guys that disappear without warning.”

“Likes: Claiming that I am not sure if I have messaged you before even though I have sent at least 6 messages to you within the last year.”

“Most private thing I am willing to admit here: I have nothing going for me other than a large cock.”

“Picture caption: This is the only clean shirt I own.”

I wrote this a while back and never posted it. I feel OK about posting it now. Probably because I’m in a monogamous relationship now and feel somewhat detached from what I wrote because I have an awesome sex life and a boyfriend! But I really was frustrated at the time I wrote this and even though I got what I was looking for, still think what I wrote is valid:

A lot of things run through my head while I try to finish making a cute DIY purse. Mainly, why the hell am I making a purse? I don’t even like purses.

Some other thoughts go a little deeper. I’ve been single for a few months and recently decided to start dating again. Of course that means I’m never going to find anyone to date because that’s what happens when you look. But that dirty Murphy’s Law is not what I was focusing on tonight. Tonight I was thinking about how some girls are the ones you love to fuck and some are the ones you want to date.Why do these have to be two exclusive groups?

I have no trouble finding people to sleep with. Men will fuck anything that offers. And I’m not just referring to one night stands. Men will continue to fuck anything that offers for as long as they can get away with it. The problem is the girl they want to fuck isn’t the girl they want to have a relationship with.

I, along with some of my slutty friends, have been given compliments about having the best kinkiest sex/sexual act or hottest tits/ass/body. In bed they look at you with excitement in their eyes and they smile when other guys check you out in that dress. Sex or sometimes casual dating goes on and then there is an abrupt halt. He stops calling, grows distant, pushes away advances toward a real relationship. Later you find out about the girl that he started dating after you. She’s not as cute, not as good in bed, not as fun but he’s willing to put up with the things she is lacking because she is good girlfriend material. There’s always a feeling of “I was dumped for her?” But there wasn’t any “dumping” because there wasn’t a serious relationship to begin with. There was sex. Damn good sex.

An ex suggested that when pursuing new relationships, I give it up too quickly. He said I should wait and I laughed when he said guys would wait months to get anywhere with a girl they were dating. “Not the guys I date.” I thought. I’m sure he thought “Exactly.”

So I’m supposed to hold out to create this emotional before physical bond? I’m a pretty smart girl and I can multi-task. I can have sex and care about a person! I can see what the ex said being true but I will probably never find out his way. I like sex. I don’t want to wait months before having sex with someone I’m dating. When I start dating someone, I think “Yay, regular sex!”

I’ve read studies on college kids and their tendencies to “hook up” more than date. When these studies are published in women’s magazines, there’s always some bitch saying “Oh these poor girls will never know emotional intimacy.” Hook ups can lead to relationships and relationships to emotional intimacy. Maybe the bitches in the magazines are really saying “sluts don’t get love”. Girls that like sex are not the girls you marry but they are the ones you fantasize about when you’re in having sex with your boring wife. The one you started dating after you dumped the slut.

So why is sex equated with lack commitment? Does it go back to good girls don’t give it up? Sometimes I’ve been told that guys can’t “handle me”. I am an intense person but easily manageable if you can stand up to me. So are men are not confident enough to handle sluts?

Work has been crazy for the past 2 weeks. I’ve been working late almost every night and fighting the urge to hide under my desk. The rest of this week supposedly is the pay off, when the results of everyone’s hard work shines through or something.

I’m still chasing people at work to get their stuff in on time. Still amazed how much answers change when my boss calls and asks for stuff versus when I call. “I already handed that in.” magically changes to “I’m just finishing up! I will bring it right over!”

The coworkers I’m hounding for work are technically above me. They’re not in the same department but they are supervisors. Maybe I need to stop putting so much value into a title. If you were a good supervisor, I wouldn’t need to  ask a million times for something that I needed last week. If one of their case managers were late on an assessment or didn’t pick a client up, they would be upset. But since they can blow me off without hurting clients, they do. Bitches, admin is important too! My boss can fire you!

I got to leave work early because of the forecast predicting lots of snow. I don’t know if they closed because it’s the first snow or because they’re not aware it is December in Chicago. The early leave didn’t mean much to me since I had to take work home. We have Big Things coming up next week and I have a lot of preparing to do. The agency has been chaotic and everyone keeps putting off daily tasks to prepare for the Big Thing. I feel like I have to sneak around if I’m doing anything unrelated to these preparations. A big part of the chaos/stress is that the managers don’t know how to manage. They can make sure daily operations get done but when it comes to a big project, they can’t set goals, delegate, stick to deadlines. They have to be chased like kids.

The managers have demonstrated that they cannot work independently. I email a manager and ask for something and it doesn’t get done. I have to email the manager again, theur assistant, cc my boss, stop the manager in the hall and ask.

And they can’t work in a team. If we have a meeting where the 2nd in command is present but not their manager, we get no info. The right hand has no idea what the left is up to.

Luckily my boss asks for a lot of feedback from me, especially since I’m new and feedback she will get!

Today I climbed a ladder in the rain while wearing heels, started to take apart a computer without unplugging it and smashed my back against an open drawer. I am all around safety queen.

It’s December so that means working at my dad’s store on the weekends (and usually depression. Hmm, I wonder if the two are related). To add to the chaos this year, he moved his store last month. So we are unpacking, fixing up a new store, decorating it for X-mas and preparing for general craziness.

I can’t really update, my hand is killing me, my old bones.