It’s getting close to that stupid holiday with the hearts and the loving and the teddy bears with magnets in their nose so they kiss. You never got me those bears, ex boyfriend from years ago, I have not forgot. It’s ok, I don’t want them anymore because I figured out that you can’t make the girl bears kiss because their magnets repel each other and I think that Hallmark is trying to say something with that. Stop brainwashing middle aged women, Hallmark. Lesbian love is beautiful.
So I was in Dominick’s and I saw Sweethearts candy hearts. I fucking love these stupid crunchy candy hearts. I wish they made these in different shapes for different holidays instead of evil goddamn Peeps. Marshmallow candy feel like I’m eating a half developed chicken fetus omelet.
So I realized I probably never explained the image at the top of my blog. When I started my blog, I had much nobler purposes for it that I sometimes go back to and sometimes I write crap like this.
I was at work one day, this was before my glorious social work days, and I got a bag of Sweetheart candies for my sugar loving heifer coworkers. As we were binging on sugar with blood covered hands, I took a pencil and wrote a very secret message on the back of some heart candies. I took the candies in my hand, shook them up and gave them to a coworker. I told her it was a Valentine’s puzzle she had to figure out. She flipped over the hearts and began working on her puzzle. “I..hate..your…face…”
Not very Valentine’s at all, I know. I still thought it was hilarious and so did she. She took a picture of the hearts. The very picture you see now! She did not eat the hearts because pencil tastes bad. I don’t know what she did with them, probably fed them to a dog.
And all was well until Easter when bitches put Peeps in my jacket pocket.