Have you ever looked at YouTube comments? I’m on SomethingAwful and I still think YouTube comments are horrible. My favorite interactions are like this one:
AmbiguousUsername: Zach Braff is dreamy!
TotalDude95858: fag!!!!!!!!!
AmbiguousUsername: What?? I’m a girl!

No girls allowed on the internet.

I downloaded Tucker Max’s book because someone was talking about it. I didn’t realize it was just stories from his site that I read (and he wrote) 7 years ago. I still think the guy is a tool. I went to his site because it linked to the special ed teacher’s blog which I could identify with (on a professional level, of course). I’ve tried to write about my clients but most client based entries are venting or sharing some horror show story in attempts to purge it from my mind. No one wants to read a book about crackheads.
Recently, I was working a career fair and I got placed right next to the Disney college internship program. When I was in college, it was widely known that Disney takes anyone, gives them summer jobs making fries and calls it an internship. These suburban kids must not have got the message because they were swarming Disney all day long. One of them even said to me, as he was waiting in line and blocking my table, “Can’t compete with Disney!” Do you think they’re going to hand you a pen (or computer) and say “Make the next Bambi, kid”? No one wanted to get down with the crazy people.

So I need another stupid book to read. I’ve been reading a lot of Buddhism books lately so I need to throw in some candy type books, too. Last one was The Game. Before that, something about zombies. Sometimes I do chick lit but I’ve had enough whiny bitches in real life to read anymore of that right now.

Obama announced Joe Biden as his VP this morning so I think we need some Joebama jokes.
I googled “Joebama jokes” and didn’t find anything so this is the start of a soon to be annoying internet meme! Right here!
Find some inspiration here.

I will start you off.

Joebama so fat, he ate the national deficit!

OK, this is a work in progress.

I like the advice giving in the last post, I’m going to stick with it.
Trent Reznor: Keep up the free download thing. It’s the best way to get the kids to listen to an “old band” (as my little brother said about NIN).
But you need to do something else to get noticed. I suggest a zombie rock opera. I haven’t thought too much about the plot but I have an idea for the final scene. It’s a NIN concert, crowded, standing room only. Mid-concert, zombies slip in unnoticed. The place is full of goth kids, no one notices too much red lipstick (or is that blood??). And no one notices people being ravaged by zombies in the sweaty mosh pit. These are fast zombies, like 28 Days Later. The zombies work their way up toward the stage and you’re all like “Oh no, they’re going to eat Trent’s beautiful face!” A couple zombies get on stage and kind of hover around Trent. You think he’s going to get eaten and then his eyes flash white (like the zombies). He is the Zombie King! He finishes the show as the audience gets eaten and everyone is sliding around in blood like mud at Woodstock.

I’m so writing this screenplay and throwing it on stage at Lollapalooza.

I know, if it wasn’t blogged about, it didn’t happen. Well Scanner blogged about it first.

Anyway, check out this awesome FoxNews page. No really, FoxNews can be awesome. Especially when there are sad genitals and misplaced anuses involved.

From CuteOverload

McDonalds had no shamrock shakes tonight! I was very upset, probably due to liquor, that they did not have my first sign of spring.

As I was walking through my little hipster barrio tonight, I was thinking about my boyfriend’s neighborhood, Lakeview.  Lakeview falls prey to many stereotypes, all of them deserved. I often have lots of time to check out the neighborhood when I have to park 6 blocks away from my destination. I don’t have a zone parking permit but it wouldn’t really help since the only times I see zone parking spots available are at 7am. There’s lots of retail in the area but I think the main parking crunch comes from the design of the residential buildings. Lots of U shaped 4 or 5 story buildings take up little street space but pack in lots of people to studio and 1 bedroom apartments. It’s like the yuppie projects.

I never realized how frustrated I could get from parking but I guess I’ve never had to deal with parking in a neighborhood like this before.

I do not know what you mean, misplaced aggression.

Barack Obama is Your New Bicycle

Just click it.
Again.
Again.
Again.
Again!

It’s getting close to that stupid holiday with the hearts and the loving and the teddy bears with magnets in their nose so they kiss. You never got me those bears, ex boyfriend from years ago, I have not forgot. It’s ok, I don’t want them anymore because I figured out that you can’t make the girl bears kiss because their magnets repel each other and I think that Hallmark is trying to say something with that. Stop brainwashing middle aged women, Hallmark. Lesbian love is beautiful.

So I was in Dominick’s and I saw Sweethearts candy hearts. I fucking love these stupid crunchy candy hearts. I wish they made these in different shapes for different holidays instead of evil goddamn Peeps. Marshmallow candy feel like I’m eating a half developed chicken fetus omelet.

So I realized I probably never explained the image at the top of my blog. When I started my blog, I had much nobler purposes for it that I sometimes go back to and sometimes I write crap like this.

I was at work one day, this was before my glorious social work days, and I got a bag of Sweetheart candies for my sugar loving heifer coworkers. As we were binging on sugar with blood covered hands, I took a pencil and wrote a very secret message on the back of some heart candies. I took the candies in my hand, shook them up and gave them to a coworker. I told her it was a Valentine’s puzzle she had to figure out.  She flipped over the hearts and began working on her puzzle. “I..hate..your…face…”

Not very Valentine’s at all, I know. I still thought it was hilarious and so did she. She took a picture of the hearts. The very picture you see now! She did not eat the hearts because pencil tastes bad. I don’t know what she did with them, probably fed them to a dog.

And all was well until Easter when bitches put Peeps in my jacket pocket.

A fellow goony goony goon pointed out that the nerds at SomethingAwful are doing something nice. Kind of.

This thread asks goons to donate to Heifer International. The Heifer Project is an awesome charity that donates animals to families to so they can work toward self-reliance and they can pass on their animal’s offspring or product. (Well, by-product like milk. I don’t think you’re supposed to eat your animal.)
So far the goons have donated over 1 million bees! It’s the best and worst of ideas. It’s a swarm of love.

I like the comments in the thread about the guy that has to go collect bees to deliver to people. Someone suggested he will probably just dress up dogs in bee costumes. I know I would. Bees are fast!

OkCupid has a new feature that allows you to propose edits to another user’s profile. The edits don’t actually show up until/if the other user approves them.

I so want to go back to profiles of guys that I dated or guys that incessantly messaged me and propose edits.

“Message me if you like guys that disappear without warning.”

“Likes: Claiming that I am not sure if I have messaged you before even though I have sent at least 6 messages to you within the last year.”

“Most private thing I am willing to admit here: I have nothing going for me other than a large cock.”

“Picture caption: This is the only clean shirt I own.”