Don’t turn off your alarm before you are actually awake.

The CTA runs on the ground when you get far enough north. It’s like a Metra station except older and more flammable.

Chicago public libraries know absolutely nothing about other public libraries in Chicago. Also the 1st floor guard has no idea what goes on on the 2nd and 3rd floors. I don’t think he is allowed to touch the escalators.

At a used book sale, “Womens” section means a bunch of awful self help books including “Men are Jerks” and “How to be a proper domestic violence victim.”  How to (head) means Chicken Soup for the Soul books. A lot of them. How to (hands) means how to needlepoint.

Do not buy classic lit if your roommate was an English major. The book you want is in the living room and you have never looked for it, illiterate bitch.

Do not drink in bars that have well lit areas. This just allows you to see the bug floating in your drink.

Bugs floating in your drink won’t kill you. Drink your overpriced alcohol.

The new neighbors do not yet feel comfortable looking out the window across the 3 feet that seperates your apartments. Don’t heckle them quite yet.

Being an office drone is very very sad and you will probably need Ritalin.

I almost forgot to write about my most professional moment EVER.

I was on break at the vet clinic and I went to the grocery store with a coworker. We were wandering the store in search of something fat to soothe the pain of our jobs. A sampler was handing out shots of some horrible blue hurricane mix. One of those alcohol and tasty sugar water in a bottle deals. He asked if we wanted some and after 20 seconds of hard consideration we were drinking down some bad alcohol in our work scrubs. Then we waved at some clients and took our alcohol smellin asses back to work.

Homosexual agenda revealed!

You think I’m going to let a stupid air conditioner that requires wooden window frames beat me?

Hell no! I <3 duct tape.

Have you decided?

It’s from the SomethingAwful forums in a thread titled “Asshole designs.” It’s an AC pacemaker! Not only was in the funniest thing in the thread, it also is so near and dear to my robot heart, I wanted to repost it. Maybe I just love to see stick people being abused.